Thoughts on Dating - (Pre-lockdown muse)

The First Date

There is something smug about being older and dating. I’m not saying that I am not nervous but it’s almost like I already have the upper hand because at this age a woman can say, I’ve already been here, possibly been married, had children and at least had a fair share of relationships. I already know what I am doing here. I’m not here to find out if I like you. I already know I like you, or I wouldn’t be here! I’m here to watch how you treat me. That’s right. I said it! How YOU treat me. This stage is effectively an interview...(for both). It’s quite baffling that very few men still know the dance although many feel they are the gold dust or the pick of the bunch…the Alfa male. That’s on the back of them having a job, let alone if they are marginally handsome! These men are often serial daters with no intention of getting committed. Did you know that a psychopath doesn’t have to be a murderer? He is just someone who is detached from his emotion, feels no remorse and is often very charming. If you’re not asking the right questions, it’s a short road to heartache or more like a cul-de-sac. A real woman, (one worth having) is selective. We have suitors but not every man deserves our time. We ask the right questions because we know by now what qualities we are looking for and what our non-negotiables are. I will tell you some of the rookie errors that I have experienced; letting some potentially ‘good men’ flop before lift off on a first date. Planning Most women want to plan the way they look for their dates. First impressions and all that; so we would like to hear in advance where we are going (unless it’s a surprise, of course). After we both agree on a date we do not want to wait until the same day to hear from you! I mean is that a sign you are still deciding? Or is it that you think everything has been confirmed so that is sufficient? I can tell you It’s very unsettling! Keep communication flowing throughout. The worse thing about the whole process is that women have been socially programmed to believe that the goal is to be ‘chosen’ by some guy. There is always this looming ‘on the shelf’ riding over our heads and before that it’s the ‘biological clock’ syndrome. Therefore especially at a certain age we can be led to feel that it is not profitable or attractive to react with how we actually feel. Over time society has found new ways to reinvent teaching a woman to hold her tongue so we have to breath and come out with something calm and nonchalant like “No worries. I didn’t notice. I’ve been so busy myself” followed by angelic smile. In order to not seem needy or too heavy. Really what we want to do is say, “What @****~=%^$ are you playing at?! Do you wanna go or not?! This is crap already, I don’t even want to go now!” ( In many octaves higher than our common voice). Wooed What we want is Tom Hiddleston type romance, sweeping us off our feet or the softness Derek Morgan (Shemar Moore) has for his Garcia. Someone who loves and respects women and is actively aiming to see the real us, our strength and who wants to show up making sure, he knows he values who we are. Why is it that so many men don’t know that on a first date? we don’t want much just a little thought, some chivalry and the attempt to get to know us so you can genuinely see the real person. Chivalry This category should be at the top – it’s a great impression - Make sure you’ve kept in contact up until date time, definitely call the day before and on the same day. Let us know that you have all the arrangements under control if possible book in advance. Tell us what time you’re picking us up, pull out a chair, open every door she walks through and my goodness…Pay for the damn meal! (on the first date at least) None of this dutch business! A lot of women will offer out of politeness but we want men to be men. Men are traditionally the providers and we want to know on a subliminal level that we are looked after. This does not mean necessarily we expect that financially all the time; but it goes towards representing character and values. Is he a gentleman? Will he be generous? Senisitive? If not how will this manifest itself in other areas of his life? Maybe I shouldn’t stick around to find out. Location What would be ideal is to find somewhere nice that you would both be able to have a nice conversation, see how the night progresses maybe be taken to another bar straight after for more chatter or to have a Long Island Ice Tea just because you’ve never had one before. Rounding off the night After date one. We are all big people so you close the date however you see fit. Personally I’m thinking a peck on the cheek to keep him wanting more. Although I’m not one to talk on the subject, so I’m not passing any judgments here. On my last date, I stayed in the car for hours talking until 5am. I knew if I went in to his house, it would be all over for me. We were kissing away till all the windows steamed up in true Titanic fashion. So I yawned a few and said I had to be up for church. It has become common knowledge that the secret to lasting love lays in our finesse of self discipline. It seems to have worked for Megan Good and her new hubby. Needless to say mine didn’t last for long – mainly because….well ....I’d like to say I did it on the third date instead of sticking to the 30 day rule because I have earned the right to know what I want and have nothing to prove to anyone but the truth is, I fancied the pants off him, literally! As a woman I can ooze status, confidence and sex appeal. I can be strong, my biological clock isn’t set at desperate. So I am accountable for my own choices. What is the most rewarding is the ability to be congruent. I am at one with how I feel and I know what I want. I don’t often make mistakes. I don’t want to play games and I see what I am walking into. The compromise is whether or not I choose wisely to act on what I’ve discovered already or if I am willing to accept that this pairing will be added to a list of new experiences.